What do I get for selfishly dangling my Universal Studios’ Wizarding World of Harry Potter adventure in front of my dear friend who is a fellow 'Potter-head' and couldn’t come? It's called Karma. It's mostly comprised of my own, organic idiocy but there's a touch vengeful fate in there as well. Several years ago, my poor friend missed the Harry Potter exhibit in NYC and here I was, the very next day, indulging in it in Universal Studios Orlando—at least I THOUGHT I would be... (indulging, that is)
The day begins with my arrival at Universal Orlando. Prior to reaching the entry gate, I stopped at Margaritaville for some nosh. Did I know better than to actually put food into my stomach before heading into a rides-filled theme park? You betcha! Did I act upon this knowledge? Umm, that's gonna be a hell-to-tha-n-o, sir. I hadn't eaten since 5 in the morning, and it was now 11:15 am, and I had traveled that day. I thought that would be enough to warrant consumption of light fare, so without another thought, wingardium leviosa towards Hogwarts!
I am not a rides person, so of course the whole time I'm wondering if the expensive cab fare and entry fee are worth my mostly walking around on pavement under the unforgiving Florida summer sun. Lost in thought, I suddenly realize I'm listening to waves of human screams. From where could they be coming? I look up and see a green tube flash past overhead, carrying in it, an exuberantly petrified load of homo sapiens. The Incredible Hulk roller coaster?? Naturally, I must ride it! Now, mind you, it's been an hour since I've eaten... A whole 60 mins. Safe, right? *insert gameshow buzzer* WAY. WRONG. ANSWER. What I found that day is this: when defying gravity (and along with it, defiling every law of physics ever known to man) a human stomach should be empty for the 24 hours immediately preceding the heinous event, because WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! What the hell is wrong with the roller coaster-making people? I might've blacked out. So very many twists and turns, and heights, and downfalls--like hurtling down to near-death kinda falls. Genuinely, I tell you, I do not remember it. What I do recall is that after that initial green assault on my physiology, I waddled - literally, waddled - through the majority of the park, half-lucid, profusely sweating and utterly the quintessential picture of a serial killer. My arrival at HP Wizarding World made everything okay. What nausea? What 4,000 screaming kids? The place was gorgeous. Idyllic. Magical. Absolutely brilliant in its design and execution. C'était paradis! Era paradiso! All the trappings of Potter-mania brought beautifully to life, and all the while, looming in the background in sheer perfection, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry.
Photo credit: Brian McGowan (along w/my deepest gratitude; none of my pix transferred)
SO enthralled was I that I treated myself to some yummy sweets from Honeydukes Sweets Shoppe. Mm mm MMMM, did that hit the spot! Following my brief tryst with the charmed sugary treats, into Hogwarts castle I went. I IMMEDIATELY stopped the hostess from boarding me on the roller coaster; instead, up the steps I went. I was feeling good, by now my nausea had subsided, I had eaten happiness from Honeydukes and I was IN Hogwarts, for goodness sake! I was in the zone, baby... right?
*insert gameshow buzz*
WAY WRONG ANSWER!
I'm following the path through the school, really having no choice but to go straight, and - woah! - before I know it, I'm on some sort of queue. For… a... riiide? And the very energetic and impatient little queue-master just kept asking everyone, "how many?," "who's doing the kid swap?," at times punctured with a terse, "over (t)here." What the fuck was going on?
Little man: "How many?" Me: "Er... Wha-" Little man: "SIR, SIIRR, uh uh, NO! Back here, back HERE please!" "How many?" (Back to me now) Me: "Wha- one, but wai-" Little man: "Over here." I didn't move Little man: "You stand over HERE please" Why you evil little doily...
"Is this a roller coaster? Coz I don't want a roller co-" "No this is a simulator... OK, 1? You're up.' (Up WHERE you mangy little imp??) I finally figure out where and proceed to the seat... Onto the moving belt... And managed to figure the step down alllll by myself. In the dark. (And on to the moving belt. Did I mention that already?) I sit in my chair, they secure me in, and we're gently gliding. Ahhh, okay. This is pleasant. At long, beautiful last, my Potter hath Cometh! What happened next is a total blur.
I recall there was a sudden sideways yank of my entire body and suddenly Harry was talking to me. UP we swooshed, sideways, over/through the Quidditch field, now fleeing from dragons, now we’re pulled back then catapult down into a dungeon and 400 icky, oversized, hairy, 4-eyed spiders are all around me, hissing. We lurch to a stop. By this time, Operation: Swamp Ass is up to DEFCON 2. Eyes clenched shut, head back, every inch of me is dripping sweat (I mean, to the point where I couldn't even hold on to the fasteners for dear life). Holy. Freaking. JESUS. I was bargaining with God to get me through this ordeal without being "that girl" who projectile vomits all over the felt anima-props. I missed the whole ride. It was really a matter of survival: experience the ride and die or mentally go on "standby" and vow to squash the little fucker who chose to play semantics between "roller coaster" and "simulator." G’ahhh, you evil little house elf! Indian people do not come in "green"; that should've been your first indication I did NOT want my body moved. At all.
I was embarrassed to be me. There were umpteen 10-year-olds who couldn't get enough and here I was, couldn't master a mere 5 minutes of total body swishing after eating four chocolate-covered peanuts?!
Thought I looked bad before?!? Take my post-Hulk description, heighten the nausea, ADD tremors and now frizzy hair, and just let that image stew for a second. My cab driver must’ve wondered what the hell he’d picked up, some brown, glistening, humanoid lump. Ugh. But hey, at least I didn’t vomit. Sooo, ya know, small wins. (yaaay)
But yeah, you should totally go to Universal Studios. It's a real hoot for kids of all ages.
Photo credit: Brian McGowan (with, again, my sincerest gratitude)
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